I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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