I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
