My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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