it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
