But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
