theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
