Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
