Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I AM VODKA MAN
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
