Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
