I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
