Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
