Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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