it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
