i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
