There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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