In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
