your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
