T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
