you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
