theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
