swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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