yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
