My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize