It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
