meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
