i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
