You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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