At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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