just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
