i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
