I wanna bring you to show and tell
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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