I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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