i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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