Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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