got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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