I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
