I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
