Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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