you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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