sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
