I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
