Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Randomize
