I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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