FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
