you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
