I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
