So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
