I swear she didn't look like that last week.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Randomize
