I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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