I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
